It’s that time of year, when a working woman’s thoughts turn to, well, anything but having to do her yearly performance evaluation.
I have no trouble evaluating anything – or anyone – else, with confidence and encouragements. I enjoyed working with my colleagues in helping them see what they were doing well, and where they could improve. Every once in a while, there might be a review I would dread doing, but there would always be the path out, of seeing me and my colleague together helping each other out. (Notably, this was when I was in a supervisory role.)
But when it comes to evaluating my own performance, even if I have done a legitimately good job, I fail time after time. I remember filling out a review form at my first start-up, and seeing my manager write incredulous notes during our discussions (I could read upside down back then). Did I mention that this was a time when my temper was akin to a caldera? And not the kind you can buy at Williams-Sonoma, with lovely scents?
I’ve had much better communication with every manager since, but it doesn’t relieve the sense of anxiety over not doing as well as I wish I had…or the surprises of weaknesses I had yet to realize. Angst does not begin to describe it. At least I can write an interesting blogpost… I think.